If you come in with your annoying family, and tell me the table is too small because you said 10, when you really meant 13. No, I cannot pull a table out of nowhere for you to add on. If I could do that, then I would burn my apron without a flame.
To boot, your wife who has three brain cells that probably do not ever like to work in unison says “sorry to be difficult,” yet asks me questions about a stupid piece of salmon. NO BUTTER. NO OIL. Yes, you douche - I understand you must keep your waning figure in line for your husband. But hey, don’t worry if Mildred has got that house in Bakersfield and that good severance, then Arnold still has your policy in check, too.
And then you’re son who thinks he’s cool, (because while he’s in high school) likes show his brilliance and make sure to note that his egg whites are scrambled within his eggs (duh, you fucktard, otherwise you would have scrambled yolks).
And then the other twin creation of a son, wants to ask me “do you think our food will take long?” for a party of 10, when you spent 15 minutes pulling me back to the table to ask me stupid questions about your order when they could have been cooking your food.
And then you, the father that breathes chauvinistic, loud, obnoxious men… asks me stupid questions. But the best is, “you know, this margarita tastes diluted.” You idiot, you stepped away from the drink and the table to make a phone call. It’s CALLED ICE, asshole… because you asked for your SHIT on the ROCKS!
Love the inflections in her voice in this cover. This and “Someone to Watch Over Me” from GMA last year are so good. Hopefully, GaGa releases a jazz standards album (would be so different) and it would just be out of the norm, great, and so good.
“So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ‘cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.” -Cher Horowitz